Haunted
by Dmarx
Summary: She can lie to the world and say that she doesn't remember his words but she can't keep lying to herself. Eventually, it's going to tear her apart. Spoilers for Rise.


_Summary: She can lie to the world and say that she didn't remember his words but she can't keep lying to herself. Eventually, it's going to tear her apart_. _Spoilers for Rise._

_Author's Note: Let me start by saying how AMAZING Rise was. Stana just keeps getting better and better and I _loved_ the new emotional side of Beckett...it almost put me to tears to see her hurting like that. So, I decided to help make her feel better. This one-shot picks up at the end of Rise and continues with her counseling session. I admit, Beckett is pretty open with her feelings in this one. Is it out of character? Possibly. I guess my thoughts are that she's a mess, and she knows she's a mess, so she wants to figure this out and get back on her feet again (and figure things out so she can be with Castle, of course). Is this too in depth and long and emotional for one counseling session? Definitely, but we'll just pretend it's not because I couldn't really find a good place to split it up._

_Disclaimer: If I was capable of writing something as epic as Rise, you wouldn't be reading this._

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><p><strong>Haunted<strong>

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><p><em>"I lied. Before."<em>

_"Well what do you remember?"_

_"I remember everything."_

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><p>Silence filled the room. Kate looked down at her feet, out the window, at the arm of the chair, anywhere except for at the psychologist sitting in the chair across from her. She was embarrassed for lying, yes, but the main reason she was avoiding eye contact was because she did not want him to see how close she was to falling apart completely.<p>

For his part, Doctor Burke was not entirely surprised. It was not the first time a patient had lied to him and it certainly would not be the last. What did surprise him, however, was that the detective had come back to tell him the truth, and he knew that the only reason she would have done so is because she was hiding something big. Things like that had a way of coming back to haunt you, and if the look in her eyes was any indication, that was exactly what was happening.

"Walk me through the timeline," Doctor Burke said gently. "Tell me what you remember."

Kate took a deep breath, her eyes still focused on her feet. "He yelled my name."

"Who?" The doctor had a pretty good idea to whom she was referring.

"Castle." Kate found herself choking back tears already. God, why was this so difficult? She couldn't even think about it without tearing up anymore. "He must have seen something. And then he lunged for me, but he hit me after I..." she hesitated, the all-too-familiar memory playing in her mind again. It had morphed into a nightmare in the months after her surgery, taking on various forms, but always ending with either herself or Castle being shot. "After the shot."

"And then?" he probed carefully. It had taken him about ten minutes during their first session to realize that pushing Kate would not get them anywhere. She would talk when she was ready; the fact that she had sought him out tonight was proof of that.

"We fell. He...he was putting pressure on the wound and talking to me." She looked up, wanting the doctor to understand that she was telling the truth this time. "I don't think I remember his exact words."

"Then tell me the gist of what he said," he replied simply.

Kate paused, trying to pull the words out of her memory, but they were so overshadowed by what had happened next that she could not find them all.

"He told me to stay with him, I think. And then..."

Kate looked away, out the window, unable to focus on anything in particular, and she tried to convince herself that it had nothing to do with the tears that were threatening to escape.

"And then?" It was obvious that whatever came next was the most important part.

"He said...he told me...that..." she sniffled and wiped away what would be the first of many tears of the evening. "He...loves me."

Oh. _Oh._ That was not what Doctor Burke had been expecting. Not at all. Because that changed everything.

"And what was your reaction to that?"

Kate looked up at him, thankful that he was not diving into this head first. "I blacked out."

He nodded thoughtfully. "Okay. And that's everything."

She nodded.

Doctor Burke looked thoughtful. "Am I correct in assuming that was the first time your partner had shared those particular feelings with you?"

Kate hesitated. How far into this did she want to get? Because she was pretty sure that if she analyzed all the nuances of their relationship that love had been conveyed many times in many ways.

She settled for the in-between. "Directly, yes."

"So you knew that he felt this way about you?"

Damn. She had been fighting this for so long, had been so used to hiding these thoughts inside, and she now remembered why she hated psychology. It forced her to dig up all of this stuff and talk about it.

"I guess part of me suspected," she admitted.

"You guess?"

Kate sighed. "I didn't want to think about it."

"It scares you." It was not a question.

She nodded, surprising herself with her honesty. "Yeah...yeah, it does."

He absorbed that bit of information pensively, considering his next step. "Okay, we'll come back to that in a bit. But first, I'd like to hear about things between the two of you since then. You mentioned before that you hadn't spoken to your partner since just after you woke up, correct?"

"Yes."

"And if I recall correctly, you said it was because you needed space."

"Yeah."

"Are those two occurrences connected?"

"It was a part of it, yes," she answered truthfully.

"What were the rest of your reasons?" he prompted.

"I really did need space," she answered. It was true; she had needed space, but it was more because she could not keep lying to Castle in her current state than anything else. Had he stayed around, she would have cracked within a few days, and that was not something she could have handled. Hell, she still was not sure she could handle that.

"Why?"

She shrugged. "For recovery, I guess."

"When he came to the hospital, did you tell him any of what you've just told me?"

"I told him I needed space. And I told him what I told you originally...that I didn't remember much."

He nodded thoughtfully. "Okay, alright. Now I know you're not going to like this next question but please try to be honest with your answer. Why didn't you tell him the truth?"

Kate had known it was coming and yet still found herself overcome by a fresh wave of guilty and tears as she tried to answer. In all honesty, she felt horrible for lying to him, even if it had been to protect him, but she knew there was more to it than that.

She swiped at her cheeks with the back of her hand. "I was afraid."

"Of?"

She pulled her hands into her sleeves, wrapping her arms around her knees. "All of it."

That was all that was needed to break through the last of Kate's defenses. There was no stopping the tears now as they rolled down her cheeks, and no matter how many times she wiped them away with her sleeves, they just kept coming. She hated herself for being like this, for the amount of tears she had shed over Richard Castle in the past three months. She hated that she could not be honest with him; that she was not strong enough to face the truth, to tell him, to his face, that she heard him, that she remembered all of it. She hated feeling so weak and broken, and even though Doctor Burke was the only one who had seen her like this, it was still embarrassing when she considered where she had been three months ago. Sure, she had been hiding in a relationship and scared to open herself up, and she had not even been able to admit to herself that any of this was true, but at least she had been strong enough to look Castle in the eye and to keep her poker face in place, even if she was hiding behind it. Now, though, she could not even hide from herself, and that was not a feeling to which Kate was accustomed.

Doctor Burke remained quiet, knowing that Kate would continue when she was ready, and took the time to observe her reaction. He had realized within a few minutes the first time they discussed Castle that the detective's feelings for him ran much deeper that simply partners, and as he witnessed her current breakdown, it all but confirmed his theory that she was in love with him. That admission, however, was going to have to be something that came from Kate. He was sure that she was aware of her feelings, but he was not going to force them out of her. There were other things to deal with first because Kate was currently in no condition to discuss those feelings with Castle.

Eventually, Kate's tears began to dry up, and as the silence stretched, the doctor realized that Kate was not yet ready to expand on her last statement, so he changed the topic.

"You've spoken to him since you've been back on the job, correct?"

Kate nodded, pulling her knees tighter against her chest and looking down, and the shift in posture was not lost on the psychologist. Whatever had occurred between them in this last week was clearly what had led her to seek his counsel again.

"Besides work, what have you talked about?"

"A lot."

"Such as?"

She looked up. "He was mad at me...for not calling."

"Was that expected?"

Kate shrugged. "I guess it should have been but I just assumed everything would be fine. That he would understand."

"He didn't?"

Kate shook her head. "Not at first. I think he does now, though."

"You explained it to him?"

Kate recapped her conversation with Castle that had taken place on the sidewalk outside the bookstore, even mentioning her break-up with Josh.

"Yes, you mentioned that at our last session if I recall," Doctor Burke interjected. Kate nodded. "And you don't regret your decision?"

"Not at all," she replied honestly.

"How did your partner react to the news?"

Kate hesitated. How did she respond to that question? Until her admission, Castle had been openly upset with her. After, he had calmed enough to have a rational conversation. Did she know why that was? Yes. Did she want to discuss it? No.

_That's why you're here,_ she reminded herself. _You've got to figure this stuff out and it won't happen if you keep hiding things._

"He was...less angry with me after he found out, I guess," she admitted. He merely nodded, a silent invitation for her to continue. "We talked for a while after that, about my breakup and about my case. I found out he's been helping the guys with it the whole time."

"Were you honest with him about your breakup?"

Kate almost smiled. "I might have been too honest."

"How so?"

"I don't know...it's just...Castle and I, we never talk about things like that. We never have, and it just felt weird, telling him so much about it."

What had happened to her brain-to-mouth filter? Why was she suddenly so willing to be open about her feelings? And when had her walls come crumbling down, revealing everything she had hidden from the world for so long? Logically, she knew that psychologists were trained to ask certain questions that prompted the patient to delve into their feelings but even so, during her psych evaluation Kate had had no trouble hiding things from him. Of course, that had been before she had spent a week in the presence of Castle.

"Then why did you?"

Kate hesitated. This was one of those answers that defined things. "Because he deserved to know. Because I...I'm not ready for..." She paused, and Doctor Burke could tell she was fighting with herself.

"For?" he prompted quietly.

"He...he _loves_ me, and I know he wants to be with me," Kate admitted, fighting back a fresh wave of tears. "But I'm not ready for...that...and I needed him to know."

"But someday, you will be?"

Shit. She did not realize exactly what she had just admitted until just now.

"I...no...yes...I don't know," she stammered, wiping away a newly escaped tear.

"Okay." He was not going to touch that one just yet. "How did you convey this to him?"

Kate hesitated. How did she explain this? 'I basically told him that I needed to put this case to rest and then I'd be willing to give us a shot' was not going to cut it, because there were other things she needed to work out before she could even consider that.

"I...I told him I needed to solve this case. That it's been hanging over me since my mother was killed and I need to put that phase of my life behind me before I can move forward."

_There,_ she thought, _that was ambiguous enough._

"And what does moving forward consist of?" the psychologist asked.

_Or maybe it wasn't,_ Kate realized. "I...ummm...I'm not sure."

"When you've imagined this 'moving forward,' is Castle a part of it?"

She nodded.

"Okay, we'll revisit this later, but right now let's continue discussing everything that's been said between the two of you."

This, she could deal with. Well, maybe. It was easier to recount conversations than talk about feelings, though, that was for sure.

"He came back to the precinct. We worked together like always, and he's been helping me with my case as well. We spent one evening at my apartment, looking over information on a person of interest. I..."

Oh. Crap. She had forgotten about her breakdown. Maybe this was not going to be the easier course of action because her feelings were so tied in with everything else that there really was no way of getting around them.

Doctor Burke immediately picked up on her hesitation, as well as the fact that she had once again averted her eyes.

"You were at your apartment," he reminded her gently, bringing her focus back to their session.

"I...I broke down," she admitted, her eyes firmly fixated on the floor. "God, it was so embarrassing."

"You've been through a lot recently, it's nothing to be embarrassed about," he replied.

"Yeah, but...it's _Castle,_" Kate pointed out. "And I hate when he sees me like that."

Wow. Did she just admit that out loud? Where was her filter? _That's why you're here,_ she reminded herself again.

"If you two are as close of partners as it sounds, I'm sure that you've both seen each other in moments like that, and that's a good thing," Doctor Burke explained.

Kate looked up. "How?"

"Because a key component of partnership is trust. Trust that you will have each other's backs in any situation, and the fact that you are willing to open up to him shows that you trust him, maybe even more so than you realize."

That was not the explanation Kate had been expecting. "More than I realize?" she asked in surprise.

"Detective, I know you struggle to open up to people. You've struggled to open up to me since the moment you first set foot in my office." He held up a hand to stop her when her mouth opened. "I'm not saying that's a bad thing, especially given what you've been through. What I'm saying is that I'm glad you have people in your life with whom you share that level of trust. It's something everybody needs."

Kate shrugged. "I guess. I never thought of it that way."

"So after that...episode...what happened?"

"We called it a night. I was tired and just needed to be alone."

Doctor Burke was not oblivious to the subtext contained within that statement.

"When he came to work the next day, he tried to talk me out of working on the case. He wanted me to step back for a while...'find your bearings' I think were the words he used."

"I think he's probably right," the doctor agreed.

Kate nodded reluctantly. "I know, it's just hard for me to step back like that. That's not...me."

"You're a fighter," he stated. "I realized that about you very quickly. And that's why you're so good at your job, but you can't always fight everything, and this might be one of those times."

"I know," she confessed. "I'm not me right now and I just...I can't..."

Tears won out again and Kate dropped her head to her knees as she cried. She hated feeling like this, hated that the smallest things would put her to tears, which was part of the reason she had come back. Castle had been right, as usual. She was not fine, and she knew that, and she also knew that it was not something she could fix on her own. There was so much going on in her life right now, so many conflicting emotions fighting to take center stage, and it was wearing her down.

Doctor Burke waited it out as he had done in the past and a few minutes later, Kate continued. "I don't know what happened," she choked out. "Two people have pulled a gun on me this last week and I freaked both times. That's not me. I don't just freeze up like that. I didn't used to start crying every time something got difficult. I don't know why that keeps happening now, but I _hate _it."

"Okay, calm down, take a deep breath," he soothed, pausing while she followed his instructions. "As I've said before, you've been through a lot, and it's completely normal. You're probably suffering from a bit of post-traumatic stress disorder, but you're here and we'll work through it together. As far as freezing when you saw the gun, frankly, I would have been surprised had that _not_ happened. It's a normal response, and as long as it doesn't keep happening, then I'd say that it's just a normal part of recovery. That being said, I would recommend that you not go anywhere without backup until you've fully regained your confidence."

As much as that hurt to hear, Kate knew he was right. "I won't."

"Now, I'm not ignoring what you just told me, but let's continue on with the timeline. What happened after you closed the case?"

"Nothing much. Castle promised me we'd eventually find my shooter and promised to help me solve the case."

"And that's it?"

"That's it," she said, meeting his eyes to convey her truthfulness.

"Alright, so of everything that happened, what was it that led you to come talk to me today?"

Kate sighed. That was a difficult question. "I'm not sure that there was a specific event. But...I guess when I told Castle I was fine and he called me out on it. I have a good poker face, but apparently not so much anymore."

"So you came because you wanted to deal with...what? Freaking out when you saw the gun, or the fact that you're struggling with your emotions?"

"All of it. I need to find myself again, I need to get to a place where I can solve this case, and I can't do that right now."

The doctor leaned back in his chair and crossed his legs. "Why the rush to solve this case?"

"I need to put it behind me," Kate answered, and he picked up on a sense of urgency in her voice.

"You're ready to 'move forward' as you mentioned earlier?"

Kate dropped her arms to the sofa, slightly straightening her posture. "Yes."

"And once the case is solved, what will you do?"

"Be freer, I hope," Kate responded. This, she could handle. Talking about solving the case gave her hope, gave her a reason to keep fighting.

"Now you mentioned your partner. What role does Castle play in your life once this all occurs?"

Crap. Back into dangerous territory.

Kate wrapped her arms around her knees again, pulling them tightly against her chest. "I..."

"Okay, let's take this a step at a time. You told me you were dishonest with him because you weren't ready for him to try to move things forward."

"Correct." She focused on her feet again. The nail polish was chipping off one of her toenails, and in some twisted way, Kate thought, it reflected the current state of her life.

"Would you be ready for that after you solved the case?"

Kate took a deep breath. This was another one of those defining moments, but this was even larger than that. This was the driving force behind her decision to seek additional counseling, to figure everything out, because the sooner this was all behind her, the sooner she could stop fighting her feelings for Castle.

"I want to be."

The doctor did an excellent job at hiding his surprise, not because he was unaware of her feelings, but because she had actually admitted to them.

"That's why you're here." It was not really a question.

She nodded, ducking her head in embarrassment. Kate Beckett had never before put this much effort into wanting to date anybody. Never. But this was different, and she knew that. He had been fighting for her for three years and now it was time to return the favor. This was Castle, after all, and he deserved it.

"I guess."

"You want to heal so you can solve this case so you can be with him?"

Kate almost felt insulted that he was able to sum up her entire predicament in a single sentence.

"Basically."

"Is this why you said what you did in the hospital?"

Damn psychologists and their ability to read her like a book. "I didn't want to drag him along," she admitted. "I figured it would be easier if I pretended that I didn't know. I thought I'd tell him when I was ready. If I'd said anything then, I would have screwed up everything."

He merely nodded. "I see."

Now it was Kate's turn to pick up on a cue. "You think I made a mistake?"

He chose his words carefully. "Not necessarily. I think you made a decision based on what you felt was best. I think you were smart to not try to add to your stresses and I think you're correct in your assumption that you aren't ready to cross that line just yet. I'm never an advocate of lying, especially about something like this, but nevertheless, I understand. And this also says a lot more about you than you think."

Kate's eyes met his. "What do you mean?"

"You were hurting, in more ways than one, and yet you still thought of him. You tried to do what was best for him and you considered the implications of your actions. In your situation, most people would have thought only of themselves. Now, to a certain extent you did that because you knew you couldn't handle it, but your main motive was to avoid hurting Castle, am I correct?"

She nodded, surprised to find her eyes once again overrun with moisture.

"There's not many reasons someone would chose that," Doctor Burke said, a subtle nudge in the right direction. He had suspected that Castle had played a role in Kate's decision to be here tonight but he had not initially realized the extent to which that was the case.

"I know." She wiped away more tears and bit down on her bottom lip in an effort to keep any more from falling. "What do I tell him?"

"That's entirely up to you."

"But what do you suggest?" Kate pressed. "Because I'm obviously not doing so well on that front."

"I think that he deserves some insight into your choice and actions," the doctor suggested. "I think you should allow him some insight into why you're doing what you're doing and the role he plays in all of this. Tell him what you've told me. This is just my opinion, of course, but I feel that he deserves to know the truth about the shooting as well."

Kate shook her head. "I don't think I can tell him that yet."

To be honest, he was not entirely surprised by her quick response. "Why not?"

"The same reason I didn't before. I'm not ready. I'm...afraid."

"Afraid that he loves you?"

"No," she shook her head, trying to make sense of everything. It was not his feelings that scared her. It was her own that had her completely confused. "Just...afraid of messing up what we already have."

"That's important to you?"

"Very," Kate replied without hesitation. "He's my best friend, he's my partner. What if it goes wrong?"

"What if it doesn't?" the doctor offered, and Kate heard Lanie's voice in her head saying basically the same thing. "Do you think that's a possibility? That it would go wrong?"

"It's always a possibility," Kate answered. Being a cop brought with it an inherent amount of pessimism. "And if I try to be with him now, I'm...not ready, and it wouldn't be fair to put everything we have at risk because I can't fully be there."

Though she had admitted to herself that she had strong feelings for her partner, it still felt weird discussing them, especially when said discussion made it clear that she had put a considerable amount of thought into her situation with Castle.

"And once this case is solved, you feel like you could offer that?"

"I think so?" she replied hesitantly, her answer coming out more like a question.

"And then?"

"I...tell him, I guess?" She still sounded completely unsure, but at least she was giving the matter some thought and that was a step in the right direction. "I mean, I'll talk to him now, too, like you suggested. But I'll wait to tell him the rest of it."

"That you really did hear him?" Doctor Burke clarified.

"Yes," she confirmed. "And that I..." she trailed off and swallowed hard as she realized what she was about to admit.

The doctor remained quiet, waiting for her confession. It had been what he had hoped to draw out of her by the end of their session, because once Kate was done hiding from her feelings they could begin to move forward. Once she understood why she had returned to him and why she was experiencing these conflicting emotions, they could be begin to work through the underlying issues. And once she said it out loud, he was certain that she would be on her way to accepting what was clear to everyone who heard her talk about her partner.

Kate took a deep breath and forced herself to look Doctor Burke in the eye as she said the three words she had kept locked inside her heart for so long. "I love him."

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><p><strong>THE END<strong>

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><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


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